The March: Bearing Witness to Hope 2012: majdanek

today was another tough day. actually, worse than auschwitz and birkenau a few days ago. i found strength within myself today that i didn't even know i had. early this morning we set off to view a graveyard that has stood the test of time. it was not destroyed during the holocaust, and is the final resting place for thousands of jews within the walls of the warsaw ghetto when we arrived to majdanek on this beautiful sunny day in lublin, poland, people complained of the heat. we walked to a large monument that overlooks this "extermination factory," or as i like to call it, hell on earth. to stand there and look down at one of the most horrific places on the face of the earth was terrifying. we walked down the steps and entered the camp which was surrounded by barb wire and watch towers. you feel like you are trapped. we took some time to look around, walked past the doctors house, and then prepared to enter the gas chamber. there were 2 gas chambers at majdanek, but one was not functioning. the one we visited appeared as though you could almost turn it on with a light switch and it would run just as it did so many years ago. as i stood in front of the building i was extremely hesitant, trying to hang towards the back of our group, as i knew what i was about to see was one of the greatest places of human suffering. i entered and walked through rooms that were used for disinfection. then as we entered the back of the building i knew what was ahead of me and my hesitation heightened. so many prisoners did not know what lay ahead in what they thought was just a daily shower. i contemplated not even entering and just turning around but i would have regretted it as it is my duty to view these horrific places and share what i witnessed with others in order to fight ignorance and on a bigger scale, intolerance. i instantly felt sick to my stomach as i slowly approached the room. i thought of all the pain and suffering that occurred right beneath my very feet. there was a small hole in the door for viewing so the nazi's could see wether or not they were all dead. there was also a room to the side where they administered the gas and also had a window to view. stepping in to that room i felt extremely, for lack of a better word, dirty. to stand where nazi's stood, watching innocent people have their lives taken from them, such untimely deaths. i felt nauseous. there was another room to the gas chamber to see. i just stood there for a few minutes and just looked, partially in disbelief. you could literally see the scratches on the wall from fingernails, also sickening. i walked out and stepped aside to take what i had just seen all in and then decided to go back and look on more time, despite how hard it was, in order to etch in my mind what had been etched in the walls of these extermination chambers, the tragedy of human pain and suffering that is like no other. we carried on and i tended to stay towards the back of the group with my friend, john. we walked in silence, despite a few questions regarding the things we walked past. we continued on an then entered a barrack. 12 people to a "bunk." how did they even fit? i will never know, and i hope not to. we went up hill where you could see something that i already knew a little about and my hesitation returned. i knew what lay ahead of me was the pile of ashes from prisoners inside a memorial, but open for viewing. i took my time walking up the hill, and then walking up the steps and as i reached the top i saw the most horrific sight i have seen in my entire life that is guaranteed to haunt me for a long time to come. i instantly separated myself from the few other students that were up there because i knew i was getting upset and prefer to mourn alone. i stood there and looked at this massive pile of ashes of 27,000 people that became one in their final resting state. the tears began to roll down my face and i put my head down and just thought. i looked out over the camp, and i continued to cry. i probably spent 30 minutes by myself in front of these ashes crying. i couldn't understand how anyone could do this. those who's ashes are inside of this memorial will never get to leave this godforsaken place. i thought of how i walked out of the gas chambers, while so many were not able to. eventually i was able to calm myself down, wipe away the tears, and view the crematoria. as i exited the building that housed the crematoria, all i could think of was why? i can't even imagine. i joined my group in time for our ceremony where i read "each of us has a name," a story of the uniqueness of each prisoner. the ceremony continue and i continued to have a difficult time but at the end was able to read an email that my mom wrote me a few days ago after auschwitz but today it seemed so much more fitting. today my mom was all of the marchers moms. as we headed back to the bus i realized i had lost my white sweater. i went to look for it and the bus waited but i was unable to find it. at first i was upset and then i thought deeply about the significance. my sweater was white, a color of innocence. i hope it can warm up an innocent who was sent here to die in any condition, rain or shine. we got on the bus, headed to warsaw, got dinner and made it back to the hotel.

that's it for today

-jill