auschwitz and birkenau

today my heart hurts. this was the longest and hardest day of my life. part of me is speechless, and the other part is overwhelmed with emotions and corresponding words to describe them. i cried today. i told myself i wouldn't and tried to be strong but at certain times i could not help it. we visited auschwitz this morning and at first i was surprisingly put off. there were tons of people also trying to tour the camp and it was hectic. we were given a headset that we listened to our tour guide on. it was so crowded it was nearly impossible to take pictures without getting other tourists in them. that took away from the initial reaction. then we went in to a building (also crowded) and so many documents and pictures. it all seemed, for lack of a better word, "artificial." everything was behind glass, like a regular museum. one thing got to me in this building and that was a list of names, about 500 names long, of women that had been gassed in one day. however, the list did not start at 1. it started at 200 or so (indicating that there were many more women who had been gassed). my eyes welled up but i carried on and went to the next building which was of things collected from prisoners. here we saw suitcases, glasses, prayer shawls, cooking ware, but what first really, really hit me, was when we walked in to the room with hair piled high behind the glass. brown hair, blonde hair, curly hair, straight hair. and it broke my heart. such dehumanization. all of the sudden 6 million became much, much less as i looked at the separate pony tails stacked on top of one another. we carried on across the hall to another room. and this room is where i really broke down, which was ironic because it was the one room i told myself i wouldn't cry over because it's cliche. but when i saw the shoes, piled, so many, there had to be thousands, i couldn't hold back as hard as i tried. a number of years ago i visited the u.s. holocaust memorial museum in d.c. and the shoes got to me then too, but i was much younger. today it started with a few tears, and then it was beyond my control. people from my group came to my side to comfort me but i needed to be alone. to think. to break down that 6 million and put a person in those shoes, as i put myself in them. it was a lot about individualization today and breaking down that large number, putting faces with stories, and lives with each victim. this all made me feel sick to my stomach. we continued to "tour" the camp and saw an area where prisoners were shot against the wall, my eyes welled up here too, and i prayed for them. we continued on past some of the nazi official's homes at the camp, guard towers, gallows, and then finally to the gas chamber and crematoria. haunting rooms. our tour came to a close and we met up with all of the marchers and had lunch on the grass, however, i chose not to eat as i still felt sick to my stomach, and thus was not hungry, and it also felt strange to eat plentifully in a place where so many once starved right behind the barb wire. we then started the march portion of our trip. we arrived at the tracks and took pictures of a cattle car and then formed a circle and shared who we marched for. today i marched for the present day victims of anti-semetism and for the first survivor i ever heard speak, the late angie suss paul. we marched two by two in silence to birkenau, "the death factory," where henry, the survivor who is accompanying us was sent to. upon first arrival, this place was the closest thing i have ever seen to hell on earth. there was barb wire every where with so many barracks and watch towers it was disgusting. we went in to one of the men's barracks and listened to sally wasserman, the other survivor traveling with us tell her story. it was very touching. she talked mostly about her parents and 6 year old brother who were killed here. she survived because a family hid her, so she was never actually at a camp and did not share her experience with her rescuers yet. her talking about her parents and brother made me think of my family and that also broke my heart because they are everything to me. they mean so much to me that thinking about being separated from them is something that pains me to think about. we went in to another barrack and got to talk to henry for a bit. we carried on to see some of the ruins when the camps were bombed and had a lot of discussion. all of the marchers then got together and we listened to the second third of henry's story. we circled up, sang some songs, listened to some poems, and headed back home after a long day. tonight we had shabbat and it was very exciting. before starting we all took some time to reflect. shabbat is used to heal, and after what we saw today, we needed that more than ever. professor dobkowski led us in prayer and then we had dinner. following dinner we had our nightly "debriefing." i really enjoyed the conversation today. today reached a lot of peoples hearts in so many different ways. i got to know people so much more. today i shared my story, and perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. i was hesitant at first because i didn't know if it was appropriate or if the time was right or even if i wanted to. however, after henry's daughter jan spoke about listening to stories not just from survivors but from people who are victims today it seemed slightly fitting. for those of you who don't know and are reading this, i was once a victim of antisemitism. i expressed to my friends here on the march the importance of recognizing that antisemitism is still an issue. this opened up further conversation about current day issues and our duty to make a difference in one way or another after going on this journey. i really valued this conversation. by sharing my story with my new friends, it may very well have helped me as much as it helped them. after our debriefing many of the trip leaders came up to me and were very appreciative and apologetic to me. they made me feel better about sharing my story and i'm glad i did.
that's all for tonight. another light night and early morning. 
-jill

arbreit macht frei

"work sets you free"

auschwitz I

survivor henry silberstern

auschwitz I

survivor sally wasserman

self explanatory.

wall against which prisoners were shot with memorial.

barb wire

auschwitz I

crematoria

sally telling us her story in the birkenau barrack

henry speaking to his family in another barrack.

from left to right: henry's grandson (dan), henry, henry's son in law, henry's other grandson, and henry's daughter (jan)

stones commemorating those lost amongst the ruins